Source: Dr Kutner.com >> Read Full Article
No young child likes to lose at a game. But there are some for whom not winning or not getting their way is a trigger for a tantrum or a pout. They’ll storm off if their friends won’t let them be the captain of the fantasy pirate ship. They’ll knock over the checkerboard or walk away with the basketball if they’re losing a game.
A certain amount of this behavior is normal and reflects a child’s stage of development. Toddlers and preschoolers, for example, don’t yet have the words to express the intense emotions they feel. They’re also experimenting with ways to handle their frustration and desire for control. They find it hard to lose for the same reason they find it hard to share toys with other children.
We expect to see a shift in this attitude by the time children are in elementary school. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. Researchers have found that older children and adults who are sore losers worry about what others think of them if they don’t win, or feel that winning is what makes them good people. (Interestingly, this confusion of doing something good with being someone who is good is typical of how toddlers think.)
While the consequences of stomping off in a huff are minor when you’re in kindergarten, such behavior can lead to more serious social problems among older children. Bad losers have more trouble than other children do making and maintaining friendships. For some children, the problem can become self-perpetuating, since their difficulty with friendships increases their feelings of worthlessness and, therefore, their need to win.
The reasons for becoming a sore loser rest in a combination of genetics and environment. Some children appear from birth to be easily frustrated and upset. Their temperaments make them more likely to become perturbed by situations that other children take in stride. More commonly, however, children who are bad losers are responding to the subtle messages they get from their families, teachers, and the mass media.
Children watch how their parents handle things when they’re frustrated. They pay closer attention to what we do than to what we say when we’re under stress. Some children who are sore losers have parents who are sore losers, who teach through their actions that getting angry is the best way to handle frustration. The example set by parents may be subtle or blatant. Parents who never talk about their own disappointments or failures give their children an impossibly high standard to live up to. The implications of making mistakes or losing are blown out of proportion.
Even well-meaning questions like, “Did you do your best?” can unintentionally give some children a disturbing message. If they didn’t do their best, they worry that their parents or coaches will view them as disappointments. If they did do their best and still failed, then perhaps they are hopeless … Continue Reading
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