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The bond between siblings is heavily influenced by the way that parents deal with squabbles
By Kate Hilpern
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Sibling rivalry expert Dorothy Rowe often starts lectures by saying: “Hands up those who were the ‘good’ ones in their family while they were growing up. And now for the ‘bad’ ones.” Most people instantly know which camp they fell into, she says. “It’s classic for parents to label children and say things like, ‘Why can’t you be more like your sister?’,” says Rowe, psychologist and author of My Dearest Enemy, My Dangerous Friend: Making and Breaking Sibling Bonds (Routledge). “The problem is it’s a sure way of creating lasting sibling conflict.”
All parents want their children to get on and when they don’t, it can be stressful. The good news, says Rowe, is we play a huge part in determining the nature of our offsprings’ relationship. The bad news is we often inadvertently wind up encouraging contention. “By far the most important factor influencing whether siblings get on throughout their lifespan is how parents deal with squabbles,” says Rowe. “Where parents say things like, ‘Now girls, we share in this family, we don’t fight’, children are far more likely to get on than those from families like mine, where my sister did all the mean, spiteful things that older sisters do, but neither of my parents said a thing.”
If parents are unpleasant to one another when they’re agitated or cross, this will also affect the sibling bond, she says. “I think parents underestimate how much children copy their behaviour. On the positive side, if children see their parents supporting one another in all sorts of ways, they get the idea this is normal behaviour.”
In Western countries, 82 per cent of people have at least one sibling. Not only is this sibling the person you’re likely to share the longest relationship of your life with, but the person you spend more time with during childhood than anyone else – including your parents. No wonder it’s a complex bond; affected by variables ranging from personality to birth order and one that, according to various psychologists, is particularly intense when children are close in age and of the same gender, or where one child is gifted. … Continue reading
