Tom Hodgkinson Photo: CHRISTOPHER JONES

It’s time for a tidy up. We have been living in chaos for 10 years and now the children are all at school full time, we have decided to sort out those cupboards. My idea is labelling. You can’t have too many labels. If we label everything, then we will know where it goes. We will all put things back in the right place.

Far too much energy is wasted running around the house, emptying drawers, trying to track down the right USB wires and so forth. We just need to put labels on things. Without labels, everything is lost and disasters strike: the rice and pasta are homeless and wander about the kitchen and no one can ever find them.

My first job was to label the wires. I stuck an enormous piece of paper on each one: “Family camera wire”. “Tom’s camera wire”. “Tom’s mobile charger”. “Arthur’s iPod wire”. And so on. This has brought a small measure of order to our drawer of wires and batteries.

It is actually hugely satisfying to make labels. I use labelling as an opportunity to practise my upper-case italic handwriting. There are some fine ones on the jars of marmalade I made last week.

Victoria has done sterling work in the boiler cupboard. Double duvet covers and double sheets on one side; single sheets and undersheets on the other. Another area has been set aside for tablecloths.

I have to say that although I am against the exploitation of labour, it does strike me that life must have been a hell of a lot easier for the middle classes before the First World War when there were so many servants. It must have been a doddle for Robert Louis Stevenson and Jerome K Jerome to pump out the books because they were not expected to vacuum the sitting room carpet and light the fires. The Edwardians were also great labellers. Inside wardrobes were sections for Gloves, Hats, Shirts, Underwear, Pyjamas.

Labelling will cut down on wasted time and therefore provide extra idling time. To be idle, after all, you need to be efficient. Sluggardly habits actually increase workload and decrease leisure time. This is the plan, at any rate.

My new-found fever for labelling has infected the children, who have been making liberal use of their Dymo labelling machine – you know the things, they print letters onto sticky tape. At first their labelling appeared to be quite useful: they stuck their names on their little possessions, or their “stuff” as the modern slang has it. On each of their doors are Dymo printouts which read: “Do not come in” or “Lila’s room!!!” .. Continue Reading